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Tuesday, December 26, 2017

The Holiday Languages and Winners

Here are the languages cobbled together in some cases to wish holiday greetings. Those who made a correct guess are listed. If you've won, but I don't have your email address to send you your audio book prize, DM me in either Facebook or G+. 
  1. Glædelig Jul og Godt Nytår! WINNER: ANDY AYRES, Language: Danish
  2. Feliz Navidad y Próspero Año Nuevo! WINNER: ADAM WALKER, Language: Spanish
  3. Schéi Feierdeeg an e Gudde Neit Joer! No winner, Language: Luxembourgish
  4. Eguberri eta Urteberri On! No winner, Language: Basque
  5. Meli Hollidei Mich Saehae Bog Manh-i Bad-euseyo! No winner, Language: Korean
  6. Na Laethanta Saoire Merry Agus an Bhliain Nua Shona! No winner, Language: Irish
  7. Limnandi Zeeholide Kunye NoNyaka Omtsha Onoyolo! No winner, Language: Xhosa
  8. Veseli Praznitsi i Chestita Nova Godina! WINNER: Beth Aylworth, Language: Bulgarian
  9. Aleatalat Milad Saeid Wasanat Jadidat Saeida! WINNER: Renee Duke, Language: Arabic
  10. Mafaro Mazororo uye Nyaya Itsva Inofara! No winner, Language: Shona
  11. Shwinlaann Saw Aarrlautraat Myarr Nhaint Main g Lar Nhaitsait! No winner, Language: Burmese
  12. Leholo Tsa Phomolo le Selemo se Secha se Thabile! No winner, Language: Southern Sotho
  13. Lebedik Holidays aun Mzl Niu Yar! No winner, Language: Yiddish
  14. Meera Chhuttiyaan aur Naya Saal Mbaarak Ho! No winner, Language: Hindi
  15. Merry Holidays and Happy New Year! WINNER: Darrel Perkins, Language: English
  16. HAPPY SATCHRPANGANHANKWANASH! No winner, Language: Short-hand for the holidays Saturnalia, Christmas, Panga Ganapi, Hannukah, Kwanzaa, Ashura. Read all about these celebrations here.


Saturday, December 23, 2017

Happy Holidays in So Many Words

I've been posting "Happy Holidays and a Happy New Year" in various languages on Facebook over the last few days, and there are more to come.Guess the language of each. Some are easy; some might not be recognized by a native speaker of the language since I had to transliterate into the English alphabet. That makes some of them pretty darned hard to figure out.

Here's the complete list of phrases. I'll fill in the languages after I've posted all of them to Facebook. I want everybody to have a shot at wishing others happiness and joy in many different languages. All of us, of course, speaking the human language of love. Well, most of us anyway.

  1. Glædelig Jul og Godt Nytår! WINNER: ANDY AYRES, Language: Danish
  2. Feliz Navidad y Próspero Año Nuevo! WINNER: ADAM WALKER, Language: Spanish
  3. Schéi Feierdeeg an e Gudde Neit Joer!
  4. Eguberri eta Urteberri On!
  5. Meli Hollidei Mich Saehae Bog Manh-i Bad-euseyo!
  6. Na Laethanta Saoire Merry Agus an Bhliain Nua Shona!
  7. Limnandi Zeeholide Kunye NoNyaka Omtsha Onoyolo!
  8. Veseli Praznitsi i Chestita Nova Godina! WINNER: Beth Aylworth, Language: Bulgarian
  9. Aleatalat Milad Saeid Wasanat Jadidat Saeida! WINNER: Renee Duke, Language: Arabic
  10. Mafaro Mazororo uye Nyaya Itsva Inofara!
  11. Shwinlaann Saw Aarrlautraat Myarr Nhaint Main g Lar Nhaitsait!
  12. Leholo Tsa Phomolo le Selemo se Secha se Thabile!
  13. Lebedik Holidays aun Mzl Niu Yar!
  14. Meera Chhuttiyaan aur Naya Saal Mbaarak Ho!
  15. Merry Holidays and Happy New Year! WINNER: Darrel Perkins, Language: English
  16. HAPPY SATCHRPANGANHANKWANASH!


Wednesday, December 20, 2017

Celebrate the Holiday of Your Choice

HAPPY SATCHRPANGANHANKWANASH!

Tis the season, as they say. Say what? Yeah, I made up that combo-holiday greeting. Covers just about everything celebratory throughout the winter doldrums. So, no matter what persuasion you follow, there's got to be something to brighten the soggy/cold season.

Christmas: A usurpation of the mid-winter Saturnalia Festival. St. Patrick was big on keeping the frolicking holidays, but bending them to his own purpose. Historical records seem to place the actual birth of Jesus in March or April. Facts don't get in the way of the commercial spending binge. All hail the Almighty (dollar/euro/pound/yen).

The big bruhaha this year in the US was all the stores who decided that Thanksgiving was a great day for their employees to not be with their family in a celebration of thanksgiving. So, they opened their doors and let the crowds rush in. Christians don't have to worry about atheists having some pretend war on Christmas. Christians are their own worst enemies. Ask the Pope.

Saturnalia: The Romans liked mid-winter to celebrate something, so Saturn got the festival. This one was usurped for the Christmas myth. Don't get all twisted. Christmas is not a celebration for Jesus. It's a way to get the Pagans to sign up.

Besides Saturn, other pagan dieties are celebrated for much the same reason. Mithra, Horus, Zeus, even Hercules. Christians didn't steal the celebration until 400 AD. Historical accounts have Christ born in the spring, but that would have interfered with the theft of Oestra, the spring festival of fertility.

Pancha Ganapati: The Hindu solstice celebration lasts five days (the Hindus really know how to party) beginning on December 21st. The celebration is in honor of the elephant god Ganesha, who is the patron of arts and guardian of culture. Each day is celebrated by a different color which have special meanings for Ganesha. Golden Yellow creates a vibration of love and harmony within the family, Royal Blue for love and harmony between neighbors and friends, Ruby Red for harmony with business associates, Emerald Green celebrates art and culture, and the last day (which happens to be December 25th) is Brilliant Orange for love and harmony for all. The holiday is celebrated with lights and tinsel, but with a nice picture of Lord Ganesh rather than a tree.

Hanakkuh: This year, the beginning of Hanakkuh December 12th What a perfect time for the Festival of Lights for those of the Judaic persuasion. Since the Jewish calendar is based on different dates than the western one, liberal Jews can have their Hanakkuh, and still celebrate Christmas and Kwanzaa with their friends. Anyone want a convertible Hanakkuh bush? Everybody can party like it's 5775.

Kwanzaa: Created in 1966, Kwanzaa was made up by a California guy to highlight African-American culture. Cool thought, but I'd just as soon we'd say: "What? Obama is black? Wow, I didn't know that." Keeping separate ensures separateness. Hey! Doesn't that look like a Menorah?

More recently, Kwanzaa is celebrated in conjunction with Christmas since many African-Americans are Christian. I suppose those of the Muslim faith can also celebrate Kwanzaa since the major winter holy day for Muslims was way back in November.


Ashura is an Islamic holy day observed on the 10th of the Islamic month of Muharram. That was way last September, so Muslims can join in the other celebrations, or just go about your business. If you live in the US, you'll just have to put up with the constant dirge of Christmas Carols. Hey, every other group has to, so you're no exception.

As for Ashura, this is a schizophrenic holy day for the two main Muslim sects. Shi'ite Muslims regard it as a major festival marking the martydom of the Prophet's grandson, Hussein. It's a more solemn holiday involving fasting and re-enactments of the martyrdom which includes some pretty nasty self-flagellation. Nothing says holiday cheer like a bloody back.

For Sunni Muslims this is the day that celebrates the release of the Israelites by the Pharoah. Yes, the Sunnis are pleased the future Israeli people were freed from Egypt. Not sure how this squares with the current state of affairs. However, since the Biblical Old Testament is regarded holy by the triumvirate of monotheistic world religions, there has to be some crossover of beliefs.

Atheist/Agnostic/Pastafarian: The godless like holidays as much as the next person. They just don't have an official date for the FSM's birth celebration. FSM, you ask? Flying Spaghetti Monster has become the avatar for folks that think the FSM is just as realistic as any other god.


So, whatever you celebrate around this time of year, enjoy, be happy, and don't drink too much (not a problem with the Muslims and the Mormons, right?).

Sunday, December 17, 2017

Breaking My Heart

Most people I know heard I had open heart surgery on December 7th (Pearl Harbor Day). Actually, I had open chest surgery. No cutting into my heart occurred.

But, three things were fixed since I was conveniently sliced open. I thought they're interesting since each booboo was independent of the others. What would have happened if I had only one or even two of these conditions? I'd probably be on that infamous "watchful waiting" list from which people are too often excised by dropping dead while being watched.

Lucky for me, I hit the magical trifecta, so hacking and slashing commenced sooner rather than later. Kind of bollixes up holiday celebrations. On the other hand, my mom feels like crap and is certain each day is her last. She's not too interested in celebrations, so it worked out. Our youngest son, Mark, came to visit for a few days. Since we seldom see him, it was a nice surprise. On the other hand, boy is he a pushy bastard! His pushiness coming out in forms such as, "Don't you pick that up! I'll do it." "Sit down, I'll get you your juice." "I'll make your blanket fort (really)."

Back to the trifecta of heartfelt flaws. I've included my doctor's sketch for reference.

1 Ascending Thoracic Aortic Aneurysm. This is the first thing that set off alarm bells. Started simple enough. At my doc's for some reason or other. The PA goes over stuff first, checks meds, asks if I have any problems, takes my BP. Frowns. Takes my BP again. Frowns more. Says it's high and Dr. Dave will be in shortly. Dr. Dave takes my BP. Frowns. Takes my BP again. Frowns even more. He says he'll recommend a stress test.*
* Technician ultrasounds the heart to get the baseline. Victim (patient), then walks a treadmill to bring the heart rate up to the calculated amount for the person's height and weight (maybe age, too). Then, they ultrasound again to make out the differences, etc.
I didn't get past the first ultrasound. The tech kept on and on taking shots from many angles, leaving the room, returning, torturing my poor left breast to the point I broke into tears. If I wasn't more or less tied down, I would have made every attempt to deck him. Having observed my mother going through this procedure, it was clear the tech was either the worst one in the entire world, or he was seeing something that shouldn't be there. A whole troop of people come in and said, "we've called an ambulance to take you to the ER." I say, "I can drive over. My car is right outside." You can guess how well that worked. Anyway, I got my first ambulance ride of my life and I felt just fine. I was embarrassed I was somehow causing this total waste of time and money.
At the ER, a bunch of other scans, Xrays, etc. plus way too much time trying to be comfortable for several hours.

Yup, I had a 4.7cm aneurysm in my ascending aorta. Guess when they operate? 5.0cm. Watchful waiting commences.

2 Arterial blockage. I got an appointment for an angiogram. It's a little more complicated than a CT scan or ultrasound. You have to get to the hospital at an ugly time in the am, put on a gown, get lots of this-and-that checks, get slightly sedated, get wheeled into a meat locker (the operating room is colder than hell), have the doctor attempt to introduce a line through my right wrist (this is to put dye into the system). Failing that, I got a hole poked into an artery in my groin. Yes, women also have groins.

Then lots of pictures are taken using xrays. They're taken at every possible angle. This deep dive confirmed the size of the aneurysm, but also showed an artery blockage, and booboo #3.

3 Leaky valve. This isn't uncommon and it can be repaired with keyhole surgery which is great since you're all better in a couple of hours.

So, the trifecta of conditions called for soon, if not immediate, surgery. I chose to have it sooner rather than later since healing time is a couple of months at least, and I'd still have some cardiac rehab to go through.

I also have a very important wedding to attend in February. My eldest son (the producer of granddaughters we worship, so he gets a pass for a lot of other stuff) has found the love of his (later) life, Elizabeth Di Santo. Anyone who can hogtie that playboy deserves everybody's admiration and respect.

So, there you have it. Why I recently got a broken (then repaired) heart. I also got this lovely scar for my memory book.




Friday, December 15, 2017

Weird Christmas - Part 3

Continuing the Weird Christmas Traditions for your entertainment. See the First Part here and the Second Part here.
  • Latvia: A group of "mummers" travel from house to house where they are given a treat in return for their blessing. This sounds more like Halloween to me.
  • Guatemala: Folks sweep out their houses and put all the dirt in a communal pile with an effigy devil on top which is then burned. This must be an "out with the evil" gesture.
  • Cuba: Every December, Cuban city Remedios hosts the Parrandas Festival. The city splits in half, with each side building the biggest, baddest, fanciest light sculpture display ever. My husband does this by himself every year. No competition so far.
  • Bavaria: Bavarian Highlanders dressed in lederhosen fire mortars into the air. Sure, why not? 
  • Greece: The evil goblins, the Kallikantzaroi, lurk in the depths of the earth until Christmas Eve, when they spring up to create havoc. I wonder if anybody has seen this. It seems it'd be a great tourist draw.
  • Slovakia: The most senior man of the house takes a spoonful of loksa pudding and flings it to the ceiling. The more that sticks, the better. What is it with weird things to do with pudding?
  • Japan: Christmas cards are also a Japanese tradition, but they never ever are red. Red, of course, is the color for funerals. I suppose that means the cards could have lots of black, making them dual purpose for Halloween as well.
  • Canada: The Canadian postal service recognizes the address "SANTA CLAUS, THE NORTH POLE, CANADA HO HO HO." Letters addressed this way are opened and replied to by the well-known Royal Canadian Mounted Elves.
  • Finland: Holiday cards have tributes to the dearly departed. Finnish Cemeteries are lit with Christmas lights, making them a lovely sight on Christmas night.
  • Iceland: The kids leave a shoe on their windowsill for the 12 Days of Christmas. Each night, some Finnish elves fill the shoes with candy and other goodies. I like the Finnish elves. They're a generous lot.
  • England: Stockings are hung by the chimney with care with hopes St. Nicholas doesn't just leave a lump of coal.
  • South Africa: A little rotter named Danny ate all of Santa's cookies, the legend goes. Granny wasn't happy about this and killed Danny for being a greedy little punk. This is far worse than getting a lump of coal.
  • United States: In many cities, the Running of the Santas, draws a large crowd of spectators as the Santas rush from pub to bar to tavern getting as drunk as they can on the free drinks provided by the owners of the establishments. Of course, they sell a lot of drinks to the folks who want to watch the Santas get smashed.
That's all the weird stuff I have for now. If I find more, I'll most certainly add it to the lists. In the meantime, consider books as the perfect gift for any friend or member of the family.

TALES OF A TEXAS BOY is just the right present for that hard-to-shop-for older relative. Kids like it, too, but the main character's Texas drawl might be a hard read. They would like you to read it to them OR get the audio book edition and let the talented Donnie Baarns do the narration honors.
  • It's nostalgic
  • It doesn't have any sex (well, there is that thing with the jackass)
  • It's in LARGE PRINT
  • It's funny
  • It's poignant
  • It has lots of animals
  • It's a bargain in the books section
Buy it at Amazon for only $8.99 and make everybody happy. Now isn't that a better gift than cologne? Oh, you can also get the book for your Kindle, other ereader, or for your listening pleasure in audio format. Gotcha covered for Christmas.

Amazon Kindle Ebook $2.99
Large Print Paperback $8.99 at Amazon
Regular Print Paperback $6.99 at Amazon
Audio Book only $1.99

Little Eddie tells some almost true Tall Tales set in West Texas of the 1930s. Guess what's true and what Eddie fudged on. Was it about the bear? Cage McNatt's prize sow? The skunk in the cornpatch? Guaranteed for a chuckle and maybe a tear here and there.



Tuesday, December 12, 2017

Weird Christmas - Part 2

Continuing the Weird Christmas Traditions for your entertainment. See the First Part here.
  • Estonia: The whole family hits the sauna on Christmas Eve.
  • Wales: Someone is chosen to play Mari Lywd who walks through town with the skull of a horse on a stick. I'm baffled by this one.
  • Iceland: I like this one. If an Icelander doesn't get new clothes before Christmas, the killer mountain Yule cat eats them. 
  • Czech Republic: Desperate for marriage it seems. Czech ladies throw a shoe over one shoulder from the door way. The direction the shoe is pointed determines if they'll be married in the coming year.
  • Estonia: The whole family hits the sauna on Christmas Eve.
  • Wales: Someone is chosen to play Mari Lywd who walks through town with the skull of a horse on a stick. I'm baffled by this one.
  • Iceland: I like this one. If an Icelander doesn't get new clothes before Christmas, the killer mountain Yule cat eats them. 
  • Sweden: Authorities in the village of Gävle decided to install a straw goat statue in the town square. Every other year, somebody burns it down before Christmas. Both are fine traditions.
  • Sweden (again): Rice pudding is standard fare for dessert. The Christmas special has an almond buried somewhere in it. The lucky person who finds it will supposedly get married within a year. I assume only single folks of marrying age have a go at the pudding.
  • Great Britain: Speaking of puddings, tradition calls for each member of the household to stir the pudding in a clockwise direction while making a wish. I guess that's better than a lump of coal.
  • Italy: A witch named Befana is the deliverer of presents to children (not that stodgy Santa). But the kids have to wait for the blessings of Befana until January 6th.
  • Ethiopia: Christian Ethiopians celebrate Christmas on January 7th. Everybody wears white and the guys play ganna, a fast pace game of ... hockey?
More weird stuff coming here in the next couple of days.

TALES OF A TEXAS BOY is just the right present for that hard-to-shop-for older relative. Kids like it, too, but the main character's Texas drawl might be a hard read. They would like you to read it to them OR get the audio book edition and let the talented Donnie Baarns do the narration honors.
  • It's nostalgic
  • It doesn't have any sex (well, there is that thing with the jackass)
  • It's in LARGE PRINT
  • It's funny
  • It's poignant
  • It has lots of animals
  • It's a bargain in the books section
Buy it at Amazon for only $8.99 and make everybody happy. Now isn't that a better gift than cologne? Oh, you can also get the book for your Kindle, other ereader, or for your listening pleasure in audio format. Gotcha covered for Christmas.

Amazon Kindle Ebook $2.99
Large Print Paperback $8.99 at Amazon
Regular Print Paperback $6.99 at Amazon
Audio Book only $1.99

Little Eddie tells some almost true Tall Tales set in West Texas of the 1930s. Guess what's true and what Eddie fudged on. Was it about the bear? Cage McNatt's prize sow? The skunk in the cornpatch? Guaranteed for a chuckle and maybe a tear here and there.



Saturday, December 09, 2017

Weird Christmas - Part 1

Christmas, Noel, Jul. A pagan holiday preempted by Christian monks to make their story more palatable to the heathens. Well, Christmas is even weirder than that. Check out Christmas traditions around the world you might not know. Then, look at the bottom of this post to get the links to my book which is the absolutely most fantastically wonderful present you can buy for cheap. Trust me. Aunt Mabel will love it. So, on to the weird with this from Faux Channel. TALES OF A TEXAS BOY is just the right present for that hard-to-shop-for relative.
  • South Africa: Sauteed caterpillar of the Emperor Moth is a Christmas treat.
  • Austria: Krampus! See my previous post on the esteemed Christmas guy worse than the Grinch.
  • Catalonia: The Nativity scenes includes a picture of a pooping man. Um. Along with the pooping guy, they have a pooping log. Now, I don't know about you, but I think Catalonia got too much bug spray sometime in the past.
  • Norway: Brooms are hidden away so witches can't claim possession. What's a witch without a broom? Kelly Conway?
  • Japan: The dine-out place of choice is KFC. Makes sense to me.
  • Venezuela: The religious go to Mass on roller skates.
  • Greenland: Their own version of a Turducken is a Mattak. That's raw whale skin served with blubber) or Kiviak: 500 Auk birds stuffed into a sealskin and fermented for 7 months. I think I'll skip Greenland's Christmas.
  • Germany: They hide a pickle in the Christmas tree. The kid who finds it gets an extra gift.
  • New Zealand: Not so weird, they use a Pohutukawa tree rather than the standard Douglas fir. They're actually kind of pretty with red flowers.
  • Portugal: The Deceased are invited to dinner and have places set at the table for them. What the heck? They don't eat much.
  • Germany: Kids leave a sneaker outside to be stuffed with candy. Bad kinder get a twig instead.
  • Ukraine: Trees are decorated with an artificial spider and a bunch of spider web. Sounds like the Trump Whitehouse decor.
  • Czech Republic: Desperate for marriage it seems. Czech ladies throw a shoe over one shoulder from the door way. The direction the shoe is pointed determines if they'll be married in the coming year.
More weird stuff coming here in the next couple of days.

Now, back to my book, which is much more important.
  • It's nostalgic
  • It doesn't have any sex (well, there is that thing with the jackass)
  • It's in LARGE PRINT
  • It's funny
  • It's poignant
  • It has lots of animals
  • It's a bargain in the books section
Buy it at Amazon for only $8.99 and make everybody happy. Now isn't that a better gift than cologne? Oh, you can also get the book for your Kindle, other ereader, or for your listening pleasure in audio format. Gotcha covered for Christmas.

Amazon Kindle Ebook $2.99
Large Print Paperback $8.99 at Amazon
Regular Print Paperback $6.99 at Amazon
Audio Book only $1.99

Little Eddie tells some almost true Tall Tales set in West Texas of the 1930s. Guess what's true and what Eddie fudged on. Was it about the bear? Cage McNatt's prize sow? The skunk in the cornpatch? Guaranteed for a chuckle and maybe a tear here and there.



Wednesday, December 06, 2017

Kramping My Style

Of course, we all love Santa Claus (or Santa Claws from "Nightmare Before Christmas"), but leave us not forget the adorable Krampus. After all, without Krampus, bad children wouldn't just get coal in their stocking, but they'd also be kidnapped, thrown into a sack, and eaten by the lovely Krampus. The Grinch ain't got nothin' on Krampus.

Here's some stuff from Wikipedia:

In folklore, Krampus is a horned, anthropomorphic figure described as "half-goat, half-demon", who, during the Christmas season, punishes children who have misbehaved, in contrast with Saint Nicholas, who rewards the well-behaved with gifts.
Krampus is one of the companions of Saint Nicholas in several countries including Austria, Bavaria, Croatia, Czech Republic, Hungary, Slovenia, South Tyrol and parts of Northern Italy. The origin of the figure is unclear; some folklorists and anthropologists have postulated its pre-Christian origin.
In traditional parades and in such events as the Krampuslauf (English: Krampus run), young men dressed as Krampus participate; such events occur annually in most Alpine towns.
As evil as jolly Saint Krampus is, his role of getting naughty children to behave has worked wonders in the Slavic areas of Europe.

Now, if you don't have a child to traumatize for life with the story of Krampus, maybe you'd rather give a very nice present to an older person in your family (Grandma or Grandpa). TALES OF A TEXAS BOY is just the right present for that hard-to-shop-for relative.

  • It's nostalgic
  • It doesn't have any sex (well, there is that thing with the jackass)
  • It's in LARGE PRINT
  • It's funny
  • It's poignant
  • It has lots of animals
  • It's a bargain in the books section

Buy it at Amazon for only $8.99 and make everybody happy. Now isn't that a better gift than cologne? Oh, you can also get the book for your Kindle, other ereader, or for your listening pleasure in audio format. Gotcha covered for Christmas.

Amazon Kindle Ebook $2.99
Large Print Paperback $8.99 at Amazon
Regular Print Paperback $6.99 at Amazon
Audio Book only $1.99

Little Eddie tells some almost true Tall Tales set in West Texas of the 1930s. Guess what's true and what Eddie fudged on. Was it about the bear? Cage McNatt's prize sow? The skunk in the cornpatch? Guaranteed for a chuckle and maybe a tear here and there.



Sunday, December 03, 2017

Audio Books for Christmas (or Hannukah)


Bad Spelling - Book 1 of Witches of Galdorheim
Listen to free snips on SoundCloud
Amazon Only $7.49 ($1.99 if you buy the ebook)
Audible Only $7.49 (or get it free if you sign up for free)

Midnight Oil - Book 2 of Witches of Galdorheim
Audible  Only $7.49 (or get it free if you sign up for free)
Amazon Audio Link  ($1.99 if you buy the ebook)

NEWEST: Scotch Broom - Book 3 of Witches of Galdorheim.
Audible Only $7.49 (or get it free if you sign up for free)
Amazon  ($1.99 if you buy the ebook)

Tales of a Texas Boy
Amazon ($1.99 if you buy the ebook)
Audible Only $1.99 **** BEST DEAL ****


Missing, Assumed Dead (KindleUnlimited Ebook)
Audible Only $7.49 (or get it free if you sign up for free)
Amazon Only $1.99
iTunes $14.95

Spellslinger on audio - Listen on SoundCloud Free!