Tuesday, December 29, 2009

How I Got My Agent 5

Nostrabuttus from the QueryTracker forum contributed his/her/its agent story.

Getting a literary agent to represent me would be easy. The difficult part was convincing the literary agent I was a ghostwriter for several best-selling authors in this country. Everyone has heard of them. I cannot disclose their names because it would violate the terms of my agreement. You see, none of those guys are about to admit I’m the genius who really cooks up all that best-selling prose.

But there had to be a way to prove it without exposing their identity directly. And there was. I told the literary agent to wait until I finished another round of novels for my clients and he would see my name in each one of them. With a name like Nostrabuttus, the chances of it randomly showing up in a best-seller, much less several best-sellers would be extremely rare. In fact, the only way it could, would be if I, the ghostwriter I claimed to be, had put it there.

It took me a few months to pull it off, but pull it off I did in a way that protected the famous authors’ reputations and yet proved my claim. When a new release of four novels hit the best seller list in less than a week, I told my soon-to-be agent to start searching for my name.

The literary agent checked the novels and was able to verify my claim that I had ghostwritten each and every one of them. A day later, the agent begged to let him represent me. I signed with him so he would get off his knees.

For those of you who have never seen the name Nostrabuttus in any best-selling novel, I have explained the reason it is not in plain sight. The ghostwriters for Jesus couldn’t put that stuff in plain sight in the Bible either. Once you learn how to use the software that found the Bible codes, you will be able to find my name in several best-selling novels. Proof positive I am indeed the cook I claim to be.

Saturday, December 26, 2009

How I Got My Agent 3

From Tabris at Query Tracker:

When I was twenty, I wrote my first novel and I showed it to everyone in my family. I worked really hard on it,and my grandmother kept telling me, "Don't worry, honey. You just work hard and someone will see how good it is. You're a Tolino, and Tolinos always succeed in what they do."

She told me about Grandpa,who'd made a fortune selling newspapers, and Uncle Tony, who made a fortune doing something I wasn't really clear about, but he'd made a fortune doing it. And her brother Rinaldo, who was doing something now in Brazil after something I wasn't really clear about, but he'd left what she said was a really good business in America. And her other brother Vinny, who was doing real well in Vegas.

Anyhow, when I had a really good draft that my professors said was sellable, I submitted it to about twenty agents. One requested a full, and I was so happy! I told everyone,and Grandma especially was so excited. She wanted to know the agent's name and everything.

I was so disappointed three weeks later when I got a very nice rejection from the agent. She just didn't feel like she loved it enough. I ran right to Grandma, who patted my hand and said, "Don't worry, dear. I'm sure she'll love it soon enough." I tried to tell her the business doesn't work that way, but she said she knew all about business, and I should just wait a bit.

Well, imagine my surprise when the very next day, I got a call from that agent! Offering representation! I didn't know what to say, and she sounded very nervous, but she said she would get right to work selling it, and that she had a few connections who would get it into print. I asked if she thought it would be a hit, and she gulped before saying, "I hope not," which worried me at first, but I went ahead with her anyhow. A few days later, I got an offer she said I shouldn't refuse, and everyone in my family was surprised and thrilled!

Everyone, that is, except Grandma, who looked oddly as if she knew it all along. When I asked her why, she said, "It's because you're a Tolino, darling. And sometimes, family is everything."

I love Grandma. When I told my agent I was going to dedicate my first book to my grandma, she said, "Yeah, you might say you owe it all to her."

Monday, December 14, 2009

Great Any Time of the Year

Jose Cuervo Christmas Cookies

1 cup of water
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup or brown sugar
4 large eggs
1 cup nuts
2 cups of dried fruit
1 bottle Jose Cuervo Tequila.

Sample the Cuervo to check quality. Take a large bowl,

Check the Cuervo again, to be sure it is of the highest quality,

Pour one level cup and drink.Turn on the electric mixer.

Beat one cup of butterIn a large fluffy bowl.

Add one peastoon of sugar.

Beat again.

At this pointit's best to make sure the Cuervo is still ok, try another Cup just in case.

Turn off the mixerer thingy.

Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup
Of dried fruit.

Pick the frigging fruit off the floor.

Mix on the turner.

If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaters just pry it loose with a drewscriver.

Sample the Cuervo to check for tonsisticity.

Next, sift two cups of salt, or something. Who geeves A sheet.

Check the Jose Cuervo. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.

Add one table.

Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can Find.

Greash the oven.

Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over.

Don't forget to beat off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the Cose Juervo and make sure to put the stove in the wishdasher.

Cherry Mistmas !

Sunday, December 13, 2009

Audible Dot Com

Books on the Knob got my attention by announcing a free audio version of Larry Niven's Ringworld. Loved the book. Who didn't?

Anyway, that got me signed up with Audible.com. I downloaded the freebie from Niven and hope to listen soon. I figured it was a good thing to do while playing my Super Solitaire games.

You can download and install "devices" in a variety of formats. I installed the Audible reader to my PC. There was a big list of the audio devices you can use to listen to books. That's cool, but I don't have those expensive little thingies you carry around to entertain yourself. Hell, I have to pay attention to my walking and driving. Distractions are not a good idea.

However, you of the younger generations who BELIEVE you can walk and chew gum at the same time (you're wrong), can pick up some good literature to listen to rather than having Lady Gaga screaming in your ears.

Distribution by Saturating the Market

Lacking a "real" publisher, I have to get my books out and about. Since I'm a shy person (face-to-face with somebody from whom I'm asking a favor) gives me the heebie-jeebies. I like to write, but I hate to do the marketing thing.

All that being said, I've found that the more editions you have of your self-pubbed book, the broader distribution it gets without you having to do much except create the book editions.

For example, I recently released "Quest for the Simurgh." Uploaded to Lightning Source and through CreateSpace, but used my own ISBN. Large print? Sure, why not. Did that through CS, too, but using their ISBN. I also uploaded ebook format to Smashwords.

So, three different editions are making their way across the cybersphere. Here are the links to all the sites that sell the book in one or more of its incarnations:

Print at Amazon.com
LARGE PRINT at Amazon.com
Kindle at Amazon.com
Print at B&N
Ebook at B&N
Ebook at Smashwords
Large Print Edition at CreateSpace
Print at CreateSpace

That doesn't count all the 3rd party vendors, of course.