Friday, January 22, 2010

How I Got My Agent 15

Contributed by Bodwen:

Dear Agent:

I'm not sure if you remember me, but my name is Margaret Mitchell. Last August I sent you my historical novel entitled GONE WITH THE WIND. You rejected it on the basis that my protagonist was too unsympathetic, the title was too vague, and the book was too politically incorrect and lacked sensational detail and commercial appeal. I just wanted you to know that I have taken your suggestions to heart and have completely rewritten the draft and my query letter. Below is my new letter for your consideration:

In my 40,000 word novel "A CONFEDERATE GENTLEMAN VAMPIRE." 17 year old SCARLETTE is a bit of a misfit. She is too pretty, too outspoken, and her rich family thinks it is wrong to own slaves. But trouble starts when superhot bad-boy vampire RHETT rides into town and falls head over heels for her. He gives up blood-drinking to win her heart, but she barely notices because she's got a crush on her best friend's boyfriend, ASHLEY. And then the war breaks out, and sadistic GENERAL SHERMAN goes around with his evil troops violating women and hacking the genitals off the men. When Sherman develops the hots for Scarlette's innocent little sister SUELLEN, Scarlette visits Rhett in jail and offers her neck, asking him to turn her into a vampire so that she can use her supernatural strength to protect the cherished little sister she loves.***I know how you said that the book drags in the middle, so the story ends shortly after this. Rhett refuses to bite her, instead declaring his undying love. Scarlette realizes that she loves him too, so they share many tender love scenes before Rhett returns with her to the plantation to unleash his vampiric fury on Sherman's men. The book ends with a big wedding in a cemetery. I fake out the reader into thinking it is Scarlette and Rhett getting married, but it's actually Suellen and her shy boyfriend, Mr. Kennedy. If you like this one, I've already started work on the sequel "V IS FOR VAMPIRE-LOVER."

The war is over and Sherman returns to Georgia as a sadistic and relentless vampirehunter. When Scarlette refuses to tell him where her lover Rhett is hiding, Sherman makes her wear a scarlet V on her bodice. Little does anyone know, but Scarlette's ex-boyfriends, THE TARLINGTON TWINS have been turned into perverted evil zombies determined to make Scarlette into their unwilling slave. Will Rhett risk the wrath of Sherman to pass his vampiric curse onto Scarlette to keep her safe from their fetid touch?