Advice. Not That You Asked For Any

Writing a character-driven series.

“AND THEN WHAT HAPPENED?”

There are two ways to write a series:

1. Planning out all the books in the series ahead of time.
2. Writing the first book as a standalone, then realizing you could write another.

For those of you who opt for option one, you better find somebody experienced in this multi-book planning ‛cause I ain’t it.

If you hit the payoff end of book 1 and keep writing, stop whatever you’re doing. Type THE END where book 1 naturally ends, open a new file, and take all the stuff you jammed at the end of book 1 and put into book 2.

HOW DO YOU KNOW WHEN TO STOP

If you’re a diligent newbie writer, you’ve purchased (or checked out of your library) a few books on writing: how to write novels, how to write scenes, how to write romances, how to write memoirs, etc. Now, look back a few words and note the word “scenes.” That’s key to a series. A series book is one big giant scene. There may be other scenes to follow that biggie, but don’t go there unless you’re James Mitchener’s reincarnation and plan to write the entire history of the world in a single volume.

The elements of a BIG scene (e.g., an entire book) are the same as scenes within chapters, and chapters within books.

A standalone book has beginning, middle, and end (sunset, fade to black, happily ever after).

A series book has beginning, middle, and end with a transition setting up the next BIG scene (e.g., the second book).

You may not know you’re writing a series when you start out, but you should have a good feel whether there is more. You can imagine a reader saying, “And then what happened?”

WHAT I ABSOLUTELY, POSITIVELY HATE ABOUT (SOME) SERIES

You might be merrily reading along, enjoying the tale, admiring the writer’s skill (not too many typos), and prepping yourself for the big payoff at the end. But when you get to the end, there is no payoff. You’re left frozen in time. The villain holding the sharp blade sneaking up behind the hero, he brings the blade up and is just about to strike and.....nothing. The writer figured you’d be so enthralled with finding out what happens next that they’ll surely buy your next book.

Nuh uh. The only time this is a valid ending is if you’re in the 1950’s, munching popcorn in the first row watching another episode of Buck Rogers. A cliffhanger is all well and good if you know going into the deal, and you’ve laid down your quarter to enter the theater that Buck most likely won’t get knifed by the villain, and you’re perfectly okay to come back next week to see how said villain is thwarted.

Thing is, that movie house is also offering a feature film with a beginning, middle, and end. That’s why you paid your quarter to be satisfied by an ending that naturally progressed throughout the narrative.

WHY SHOULD YOU CARE?

You should care because you’ve pissed me off. Yeah, I’m just one person, so my opinion doesn’t matter. That’s entirely true. But do you really believe I’m the one and ONLY person in the entire world that holds that opinion? You’re sadly mistaken. I’m special, but not that special. If I think that way, then a whole lot of people—potential buyers—think the same. You’ve just lost your audience.

Think about your own life. You live your life in stages. The end of one stage suggests the next, but the next stage is its own part of your life. Sometimes, your life takes a surprising turn. You were headed toward point A, but somehow or other events led you to point B instead. If you could map out your whole life (or, say, your parents could do it for you), you and everybody around you would be bored silly.

So, transitions can be smooth:

You graduate from high school and continue on to the college where you had applied to become a rocket scientist.

Or rocky:

You graduate high school, but you met this guy in the summer and he’s part of a biker gang, which you thought totally cool, so you blew off college and rode the back seat of a Harley across the country.

In either case, the graduation from High School is the natural ending point of that stage. But if you’re sneakily planning to write a series, you briefly mention admiring the black leather jacket on that dude who rode by the graduation ceremony on his Harley. You lock eyes with him. He grins and winks. You feel a little tingly, but shake it off to march into the next phase.

Uh, oh. We’re planning a series, right? Well, you might pack all your bags, have a going away party, and even start the drive to your college of choice. You spot the dude on the Harley as you pass by the diner, but you just drive on.

CUT, WRAP, AND PUT A FORK IN IT

But you now have a satisfying end to book 1 with a hint of the events of book 2, but you’re not leaving in the middle with the villain stabbing the hero in the back. You (the main character here, of course) may just keep on driving to college. That could be another book in the series. Or you could pull a U-turn in the road and head back to, um, grab a burger at the diner. Yeah, a burger and a handful of tight jeans.

A fork in the road can act as a transition between books in a series. At the end of book 1, you present some possibilities, but you have ended this stage (or book). Book 2 picks up with one of the forks you have offered in book 1.

PDT: Pacific Demon Time

IT'S DEMON TIME!

Setara and her genie, Basit, meet many interesting mythological creatures, but only two should be included in the category Monsters. Here’s a bit about the role each monster plays in Setara’s Genie.

Azi (or Azhi) Dahaka

Aži Dahaka is the source of the modern Persian word azhdaha or ezhdeha (Middle Persian Azdahag) meaning "dragon", often used of a dragon depicted upon a banner of war.

Azhi Dahaka was created by Angra Mainu (the son of Angra Mainu and Autak), or the Ultimate Evil, to oppose goodness and truth (Allan, et al., 1999). Literally made of the unclean khrafstra, animals such as snakes, toads, scorpions, frogs and lizards, this dragon embodied corruption.

In the Avesta, the Azhi Dahaka is described as a three-headed, six-eyed, dragon-like monster. He is said to have a thousand senses, and to bleed snakes, scorpions, and other venomous creatures. He also is said to bring or control storms and disease. His wings were said to be so enormous that they would block out the sun.

In the Shahnameh written around 1000 AD, Azhi Dahaka was semi-anthropomorphosized as Zahak or Zohak, though many of the older characteristics were retained in the new version.

Even though this particular description includes multiple heads and pretty bad attitude, I also found an ancient bas relief that purports to be Azhi Dahaka. Decide what you will. A monster is a monster no matter how many heads he or she has.

Excerpt Featuring Azhi Dahaka

Setara rounded the bend in the tunnel and stopped dead in her tracks. Azizah and Kairav stood at one end of a huge cavern, heaving large stones as fast as they could. At the other end, about forty feet away, the strangest creature she’d ever seen was shooting jets of fire from its mouth. It had great bat-like wings that created a rush of wind each time the dragon stroked downward. It possessed four legs but had reared up and clawed at the air with the front set. Fangs at least six inches long lined the animal’s jaws. It seemed reptilian with its elongated head and scaly sides. However, it was huge by reptile standards, being more than twenty feet long and barely fit in the end of the cavern. Its scales rippled with colors—green, violet, orange, blue.

Basit flew around the cavern, attempting to outflank the creature. He began hurling balls of light from his fingertips. They didn’t appear to do anything other than annoy the beast, but the interruption did distract it from breathing fire at Azizah and Kairav. When it turned its head to shoot fire toward Basit, Azizah ran forward and threw another huge rock. It struck the beast’s head, knocking it against the wall.

It turned one last time and let out a loud roar that shook small stones off the walls. Then, it shrank rapidly to no more than ten feet long. With a single bound, it leaped into the tunnel on the far side of the cavern and was gone in a flash of purple and green.

Setara ran to Azizah, who dropped the stone she was just about to throw. Kairav and Basit joined them. Sheik ran in circles around the group, barking for all he was worth.

“Shush, Sheik. We can’t hear ourselves think.” Setara chastised the agitated dog. Sheik dropped to his belly panting from the excitement.

“What was that thing?” Setara looked at the grim faces of her friends.

“Azhi Dahaka,” Basit answered.

* * *

TALES OF ABU NUWAS 1 - SETARA'S GENIE 
A girl, a genie, a few demons. Would could go wrong?

Amazon Kindle on sale for only $0.99
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Abu Nuwas sits in the bazaar telling stories to the passersby he can tempt to pay. He relates the adventures of the bored daughter of a rich merchant, Setara, and her genie, Basit, as they encounter the creatures of legend and folklore: a lonely cave demon seeking a home; a flying, fire-breathing horse who has lost his mate; a dragon searching for his family; an evil genie hunting for the man who bottled him; and a merboy prince cast out of his undersea kingdom.

Persian Myths: Ahura and Anahita

FAIZAH'S DESTINY: The Tales of Abu Nuwas 2 borrows heavily from Persian mythology, but the gods pretty much match up to the Roman and Greek gods. Essentially, every civilization re-uses the same gods, but give them different names and their own special flavor.

The heroes are often the mighty warrior types: Hercules, Gilgamesh, Samson. Since I’ve written this book for kids, my heroes are teenagers, not at all like the legends (but they might become legendary themselves). They’re not in already in the mythology, so you’ll just have to read "Faizah's Destiny" to find out about them.

As usual, the "real" info is from the Encyclopedia Mythica.

Ahura Mazdah

In Persian belief, Ahura Mazdah ("Lord Wisdom") was the supreme god, he who created the heavens and the Earth, and another son of Zurvan. Atar, his son, battled Azhi Dahaka, the great dragon of the sky (note that Azhi shows up in "Setara's Genie"), and bound it in chains on a high mountain. The dragon was, however, destined to escape and destroy a third of mankind at the final reckoning, before it was slain. Ahura Mazdah was the god of prophetic revelation, and bore both Ahriman and Ormazd.

As leader of the Heavenly Host, the Amesha Spentas, he battles Ahriman and his followers to rid the world of evil, darkness and deceit. His symbol is the winged disc.

Anahita

The ancient Persian water goddess, fertility goddess, and patroness of women, as well as a goddess of war. Her name means "the immaculate one". She is portrayed as a virgin, dressed in a golden cloak, and wearing a diamond tiara (sometimes also carrying a water pitcher). The dove and the peacock are her sacred animals.

Anahita was very popular and is one of the forms of the 'Great Goddess' which appears in many ancient eastern religions (such as the Syrian/Phoenician goddess Anath). She is associated with rivers and lakes, as the waters of birth. Anahita is sometimes regarded as the consort of Mithra.

I use Ahura more or less as described in the mythology site. Because he was the leader of the Amesha Spentas (the good guys), I decided to portray him like Zeus or Thor, just another god amused at the foibles of humankind, but rarely steps into the action. He is also equated with Mithra, so I have him married to Anahita. Ahura shows up in only one chapter ("Demons and Deities") and he chats with Anahita about the progress of the heroes. He claims to have set up the whole situation (just like a man).

I made Anahita my main character’s supporter. She appears to Faizah hovering over a lake. She tells the girl that one or more of her companions (three boys, wouldn’t you know) will be seduced to the dark side by demons. In typical godly fashion, she can’t give Faizah a straight story; she only hints at what might happen.

Excerpt:

Each time the light dimmed, it returned brighter than before, pulsing in time to the beat of her heart. As the shape within the light grew more and more distinct, a part of Faizah’s mind wondered if she should be afraid. Somehow she wasn’t. Instead, she felt a strong attraction to that glowing figure and walked to the lake’s edge to get a better look.

The apparition hovered a few inches above the surface of the lake. Faizah could now see, through the shimmering aura surrounding her, the figure was that of a woman. She was looking out over the lake to the point where the shooting star had disappeared over the caldera rim. Clad in a golden cloak, a diamond tiara adorned her brow, and two small lions lay at her feet. The figure turned slowly to look directly at Faizah, and a gentle smile curved her lips.

Faizah gasped in sudden recognition. This was the goddess Anahita! She did exist! Faizah stood entranced as the patroness of all women, the goddess of water and fertility, and of war, came gliding smoothly over the surface of the lake toward her.

As the figure halted before her, Faizah glanced quickly over her shoulder at their campsite. The boys hadn’t moved, and she could hear Menog’s rumbling snore. She turned back to face the goddess.

“They will not awaken, Faizah,” Anahita’s lilting voice sounded in her ear. “I would speak to you alone.”

“Why...what...why have you appeared to me, Goddess?” Faizah stammered, her voice trembling.
“My husband has listened to your thoughts, Faizah. Ahura favors your purpose. He sent Menog to guide you through the cavern.”

Faizah’s eyes widened as she struggled to grasp what she was hearing. Ahura, too?

“Ah...we are grateful to Ahura for his favor. But...but, if he is protecting us, why did the boys become ill? Why didn’t I get sick, too?”

Anahita’s musical laugh was the tinkling of bells in a breeze. “Pazuzu of the southwest wind controls this valley. He guards it jealously and blows illness toward all who enter. This is why no one lives here.” Her smile widened. “And I might have had some small part in keeping you from getting sick.”

“I have read that Pazuzu can kill,” Faizah ventured, “yet the boys only have a cough. Did you do that, too?”

“No. That was your doing. Pazuzu can indeed kill. The medicine you made is what saved the boys. There is magic in you, Faizah, which is stronger than you know.” Anahita looked over Faizah’s shoulder at their little camp then back at Faizah. Her smile vanished, and her face became serious.

“I, too, favor your journey. But your friends,” she continued with a gesture toward the sleeping boys, “have lost their purpose. Be always on your guard, Faizah, for powerful forces oppose you.”

“If you favor our journey, Goddess, can you not tell me where to find Master Wafai?”

“A fair question, but the answer, I’m sorry to say, is no, I cannot.”

“But...but, you’re a goddess! Surely?”

“Master Wafai is safe; you needn’t worry about him. You are destined to follow a different path.”
Faizah’s brow wrinkled with concern. Why would she be selected by Anahita? She stammered, “What path?”

Anahita’s gaze lowered. “Many no longer believe in us, the gods and goddesses. As their belief wanes, so does our influence in the world. I, my husband, Ahura, my brother and sister goddesses, none of us are as strong as we once were. There are those, like your Master Wafai, who serve us still, and so we retain some of our strength. Even you doubted our existence, but your hope that we were real allows me to appear to you.”

“I’m sorry I ever doubted, Goddess,” Faizah whispered. “What must I do? Is it right that we go first to find the Simurgh, or should we be doing something else?”

“So many questions!” Anahita’s musical laugh drifted across the water. In the distance, a peacock’s raucous shriek seemed to answer her. “Listen, my pet calls to me,” she said. Then her smile faded, and her eyes mirrored the seriousness in her voice.

“Know this, Faizah. I will protect you as much as I can and lend you what assistance I am able. Even so, your success or failure depends on you. Your own wits and your own strength are far more important than any aid I may give you.”

Faizah trembled at the thought that a goddess would depend on her for anything. “Who opposes us?”

“Dev, for one. He relishes the darkness. Darkness begets ignorance, and ignorance begets folly.”

“Dev?” A cold chill ran down Faizah’s back. “The god of war? He is against us? Master Wafai said Dev plots the final war that will destroy the world!”

“This is true. Now you see why it is so important that you succeed in your task.”

Faizah took a deep breath. This was serious. “What else can you tell me? Will we have to face Dev? We’re not heroes. We’re kids. How can we fight a god?” Faizah chewed her lower lip with anxiety.

“I doubt Dev will oppose you directly; he would think that beneath him. Instead, he will send his minions to do his bidding. You must be ever watchful, Faizah, for you cannot know what form they will take. It could be an animal, a human, even a demon sent to turn your friends away from you.”

Anahita’s words did nothing to ease Faizah’s mind. A demon! What could they do against a demon?

*

Faizah's Destiny: The Tales of Abu Nuwas 2
The gods are at war and only a farmer’s daughter can save the world from Armageddon.

 In print and ebook at Amazon. Currently discounted to $0.99
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* If prices haven't changed yet on Amazon, wait until it does

The village magician has gone missing. His four pupils think he has left a clue to his whereabouts in the Magicalis Bestialis--the book of magical creatures. They must seek the help of the elusive Simurgh, the mythical birds who know all the secrets of the universe.

However, this is not an easy camping trip into the mountains. Spirits, gods, and demons confront the four friends, who are not aware they’re being set up by otherworldly forces for a much larger task.

A farmer’s daughter, Faizah is chosen to lead the humans in the battle. She must persuade a slave, an orphan, and a rich merchant’s son to join in the battle on the side of good. Although divided by Dev, the evil god of war, the teens must band together to find the Simurgh, rescue their teacher, and stave off Armageddon.

Setara's Genie: The Tales of Abu Nuwas 1
A girl, a genie, a few demons. Would could go wrong?
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How Much is That in Dog Years?

Chinese New Year is February 16th. The year will be represented by the Dog. Dogs are nice. Everybody likes dogs, except for cat people. No matter which (both or neither) be sure to support your local animal shelter, especially if it's no-kill.

CHINESE HOROSCOPE 2018: IN SHORT
One must remember that the Chinese zodiac sign of the Dog, symbol of intelligence and protection, can also turn the year 2018 into a sensitive period, during which activists and students, but also ordinary citizens, feeling deprived of hope and socially excluded, won't hesitate to demand radical changes to their life conditions, and to preserve the future of their children.

It is often said that the Years of the Dog are carriers of violent conflict. Actually, only the Years of the Metal Dog can be related to warlike and destructive energies, because of their reinforced metal. The next planned year of the Metal Dog is in 2030.

Happy Valentine's Day!

From my fav superhero to all of you.

Oh, yeah, free ebook (yawn)

This is a reminder that BAD SPELLING, the first book in the Witches of Galdorheim series, is always #free at Smashwords. Just pop over and download whatever format tickles your fancy.

If you like it, the rest of the series is highly affordable. Click Bad Spelling at Smashwords.

A klutzy witch, a shaman's curse, a quest to save her family. Can Kat find her magic in time?

If you’re a witch living on a remote arctic island, and the entire island runs on magic, lacking magical skills is not just an inconvenience, it can be a matter of life and death–or, at least, a darn good reason to run away from home.

Katrina’s spells don’t just fizzle; they backfire with spectacular results, oftentimes involving green goo. A failure as a witch, Kat decides to run away and find her dead father’s non-magical family. But before she can, she stumbles onto why her magic is out of whack: a curse from a Siberian shaman.

The young witch, accompanied by her half-vampire brother, must travel to the Hall of the Mountain King and the farthest reaches of Siberia to regain her magic, dodging attacks by the shaman along the way.

Surgery Update

About that improving every day thing people talk about post-surgery...it doesn't work that way. If you graph progress, the idea is that there should be a generally upward momentum. Sort of, sure. The reality is that some days knock out several days upward progress with a downward trend. Kind of like the economy, the momentum depends on whether Republicans or Democrats control Congress and the Whitehouse. Here's a graph of the economy under the Presidents since Truman. Notice how the "tax and spend" democrats produce a booming economy, while the "trickle down" republicans tear the economy apart until the populace figures out how bad they are and put the Democrats back in control.

Don't bother to sputter and leave angry alt-white, right-wing comments here. I'll just delete them.

I'm just using the up/down concept of the chart to show how progress post-surgery looks. Put the wrong system in charge, and the backward result can be as bad as going from Johnson to Nixon in terms of forward growth.

Those who play 3-monkeys with the economy continue to insist that their way is the right way and, all evidence to the contrary, they stick with it. How do they keep duping the public? Generally, by skirting over the economy (boring!) and whomping up the base with social issues such as welfare or abortion. That small government sham is a smoke-screen to their desire for a totalitarian state run by plutocrats, and the GOP Congress is the enabler.

Whoa. I've run off course here because I was talking about recovery following surgery, and got side-tracked to economic recovery of the country. Oh, well. My post-surgery update sucks, but it's not near as bad as the reaming the GOP and Trump are inflicting on the US right now. Maybe that's part of why my recovery is rocky. I'm freaking depressed by the state of the nation. Do I think the Dems have the solutions? Not entirely, but they're our only hope, Obi Wan. Even if the Dems are the Jar Jars of the rebellion, at least they are working for the right side.

Your opinion on this only counts if you agree with me. If you don't, then shut your fat mouth.

Be It Resolved

Since it's clearly the End Times, I don't see much purpose in making any New Year resolutions. Oh, well. Everybody else is doing it, so here are some:

1. I resolve to think about finishing the fourth book in the Galdorheim series at least once a week. That will make me feel guilty enough I might even do something about it.
2. I resolve to consider cardiac rehab although I'm pretty damned sure I won't bother with it.
3. I resolve to make a sorry attempt to keep off the weight I lost post surgery. Oops. Already failing at this one.
4. I resolve to .... nope. Nothing else I'd even bother to think for a moment or two to even attempt.

What about you? Are you making any resolutions? If so, do you have any I might contemplate borrowing since I can't think of anything else on my own.

Oh, right. Happy Birthdays coming up this month:

January 5th: My brother, Darrel (no, I don't have another brother named Daryl). Here's a great shot of Darrel as the Eclipse King. Everybody got to wear the crown at some point or other, so he shouldn't get a swelled head.

January 16th: My longest running time friend, Beth Aylworth. I found this old picture from back in the days when we all played league darts. Eventually, Beth and her husband, Chuck, moved to Salem. No more darts, but we're all still friends.

January 25th: My hubby, Jack Dasef. Here he is on one of our visits to London. We've since visited a number of other countries. Next trip, we need to expand our UK territory and visit Scotland, Ireland, and Wales.

The Holiday Languages and Winners

Here are the languages cobbled together in some cases to wish holiday greetings. Those who made a correct guess are listed. If you've won, but I don't have your email address to send you your audio book prize, DM me in either Facebook or G+. 

1. Glædelig Jul og Godt Nytår! WINNER: ANDY AYRES, Language: Danish
2. Feliz Navidad y Próspero Año Nuevo! WINNER: ADAM WALKER, Language: Spanish
3. Schéi Feierdeeg an e Gudde Neit Joer! No winner, Language: Luxembourgish
4. Eguberri eta Urteberri On! No winner, Language: Basque
5. Meli Hollidei Mich Saehae Bog Manh-i Bad-euseyo! No winner, Language: Korean
6. Na Laethanta Saoire Merry Agus an Bhliain Nua Shona! No winner, Language: Irish
7. Limnandi Zeeholide Kunye NoNyaka Omtsha Onoyolo! No winner, Language: Xhosa
8. Veseli Praznitsi i Chestita Nova Godina! WINNER: Beth Aylworth, Language: Bulgarian
9. Aleatalat Milad Saeid Wasanat Jadidat Saeida! WINNER: Renee Duke, Language: Arabic
10. Mafaro Mazororo uye Nyaya Itsva Inofara! No winner, Language: Shona
11. Shwinlaann Saw Aarrlautraat Myarr Nhaint Main g Lar Nhaitsait! No winner, Language: Burmese
12. Leholo Tsa Phomolo le Selemo se Secha se Thabile! No winner, Language: Southern Sotho
13. Lebedik Holidays aun Mzl Niu Yar! No winner, Language: Yiddish
14. Meera Chhuttiyaan aur Naya Saal Mbaarak Ho! No winner, Language: Hindi
15. Merry Holidays and Happy New Year! WINNER: Darrel Perkins, Language: English
16. HAPPY SATCHRPANGANHANKWANASH! No winner, Language: Short-hand for the holidays Saturnalia, Christmas, Panga Ganapi, Hannukah, Kwanzaa, Ashura. Read all about these celebrations here.

Happy Holidays in So Many Words

I've been posting "Happy Holidays and a Happy New Year" in various languages on Facebook over the last few days, and there are more to come.Guess the language of each. Some are easy; some might not be recognized by a native speaker of the language since I had to transliterate into the English alphabet. That makes some of them pretty darned hard to figure out.

Here's the complete list of phrases. I'll fill in the languages after I've posted all of them to Facebook. I want everybody to have a shot at wishing others happiness and joy in many different languages. All of us, of course, speaking the human language of love. Well, most of us anyway.

1. Glædelig Jul og Godt Nytår! WINNER: ANDY AYRES, Language: Danish
2. Feliz Navidad y Próspero Año Nuevo! WINNER: ADAM WALKER, Language: Spanish
3. Schéi Feierdeeg an e Gudde Neit Joer!
4. Eguberri eta Urteberri On!
5. Meli Hollidei Mich Saehae Bog Manh-i Bad-euseyo!
6. Na Laethanta Saoire Merry Agus an Bhliain Nua Shona!
7. Limnandi Zeeholide Kunye NoNyaka Omtsha Onoyolo!
8. Veseli Praznitsi i Chestita Nova Godina! WINNER: Beth Aylworth, Language: Bulgarian
9. Aleatalat Milad Saeid Wasanat Jadidat Saeida! WINNER: Renee Duke, Language: Arabic
10. Mafaro Mazororo uye Nyaya Itsva Inofara!
11. Shwinlaann Saw Aarrlautraat Myarr Nhaint Main g Lar Nhaitsait!
12. Leholo Tsa Phomolo le Selemo se Secha se Thabile!
13. Lebedik Holidays aun Mzl Niu Yar!
14. Meera Chhuttiyaan aur Naya Saal Mbaarak Ho!
15. Merry Holidays and Happy New Year! WINNER: Darrel Perkins, Language: English
16. HAPPY SATCHRPANGANHANKWANASH!

Breaking My Heart

Most people I know heard I had open heart surgery on December 7th (Pearl Harbor Day). Actually, I had open chest surgery. No cutting into my heart occurred.

But, three things were fixed since I was conveniently sliced open. I thought they're interesting since each booboo was independent of the others. What would have happened if I had only one or even two of these conditions? I'd probably be on that infamous "watchful waiting" list from which people are too often excised by dropping dead while being watched.

Lucky for me, I hit the magical trifecta, so hacking and slashing commenced sooner rather than later. Kind of bollixes up holiday celebrations. On the other hand, my mom feels like crap and is certain each day is her last. She's not too interested in celebrations, so it worked out. Our youngest son, Mark, came to visit for a few days. Since we seldom see him, it was a nice surprise. On the other hand, boy is he a pushy bastard! His pushiness coming out in forms such as, "Don't you pick that up! I'll do it." "Sit down, I'll get you your juice." "I'll make your blanket fort (really)."

Back to the trifecta of heartfelt flaws. I've included my doctor's sketch for reference.

1 Ascending Thoracic Aortic Aneurysm. This is the first thing that set off alarm bells. Started simple enough. At my doc's for some reason or other. The PA goes over stuff first, checks meds, asks if I have any problems, takes my BP. Frowns. Takes my BP again. Frowns more. Says it's high and Dr. Dave will be in shortly. Dr. Dave takes my BP. Frowns. Takes my BP again. Frowns even more. He says he'll recommend a stress test.*

* Technician ultrasounds the heart to get the baseline. Victim (patient), then walks a treadmill to bring the heart rate up to the calculated amount for the person's height and weight (maybe age, too). Then, they ultrasound again to make out the differences, etc.

I didn't get past the first ultrasound. The tech kept on and on taking shots from many angles, leaving the room, returning, torturing my poor left breast to the point I broke into tears. If I wasn't more or less tied down, I would have made every attempt to deck him. Having observed my mother going through this procedure, it was clear the tech was either the worst one in the entire world, or he was seeing something that shouldn't be there. A whole troop of people come in and said, "we've called an ambulance to take you to the ER." I say, "I can drive over. My car is right outside." You can guess how well that worked. Anyway, I got my first ambulance ride of my life and I felt just fine. I was embarrassed I was somehow causing this total waste of time and money.
At the ER, a bunch of other scans, Xrays, etc. plus way too much time trying to be comfortable for several hours.

Yup, I had a 4.7cm aneurysm in my ascending aorta. Guess when they operate? 5.0cm. Watchful waiting commences.

2 Arterial blockage. I got an appointment for an angiogram. It's a little more complicated than a CT scan or ultrasound. You have to get to the hospital at an ugly time in the am, put on a gown, get lots of this-and-that checks, get slightly sedated, get wheeled into a meat locker (the operating room is colder than hell), have the doctor attempt to introduce a line through my right wrist (this is to put dye into the system). Failing that, I got a hole poked into an artery in my groin. Yes, women also have groins.

Then lots of pictures are taken using xrays. They're taken at every possible angle. This deep dive confirmed the size of the aneurysm, but also showed an artery blockage, and booboo #3.

3 Leaky valve. This isn't uncommon and it can be repaired with keyhole surgery which is great since you're all better in a couple of hours.

So, the trifecta of conditions called for soon, if not immediate, surgery. I chose to have it sooner rather than later since healing time is a couple of months at least, and I'd still have some cardiac rehab to go through.

I also have a very important wedding to attend in February. My eldest son (the producer of granddaughters we worship, so he gets a pass for a lot of other stuff) has found the love of his (later) life, Elizabeth Di Santo. Anyone who can hogtie that playboy deserves everybody's admiration and respect.

So, there you have it. Why I recently got a broken (then repaired) heart. I also got this lovely scar for my memory book.

Weird Christmas - Part 3

Continuing the Weird Christmas Traditions for your entertainment. See the First Part here and the Second Part here.

• Latvia: A group of "mummers" travel from house to house where they are given a treat in return for their blessing. This sounds more like Halloween to me.
• Guatemala: Folks sweep out their houses and put all the dirt in a communal pile with an effigy devil on top which is then burned. This must be an "out with the evil" gesture.
• Cuba: Every December, Cuban city Remedios hosts the Parrandas Festival. The city splits in half, with each side building the biggest, baddest, fanciest light sculpture display ever. My husband does this by himself every year. No competition so far.
• Bavaria: Bavarian Highlanders dressed in lederhosen fire mortars into the air. Sure, why not? 
• Greece: The evil goblins, the Kallikantzaroi, lurk in the depths of the earth until Christmas Eve, when they spring up to create havoc. I wonder if anybody has seen this. It seems it'd be a great tourist draw.
• Slovakia: The most senior man of the house takes a spoonful of loksa pudding and flings it to the ceiling. The more that sticks, the better. What is it with weird things to do with pudding?
• Japan: Christmas cards are also a Japanese tradition, but they never ever are red. Red, of course, is the color for funerals. I suppose that means the cards could have lots of black, making them dual purpose for Halloween as well.
• Canada: The Canadian postal service recognizes the address "SANTA CLAUS, THE NORTH POLE, CANADA HO HO HO." Letters addressed this way are opened and replied to by the well-known Royal Canadian Mounted Elves.
• Finland: Holiday cards have tributes to the dearly departed. Finnish Cemeteries are lit with Christmas lights, making them a lovely sight on Christmas night.
• Iceland: The kids leave a shoe on their windowsill for the 12 Days of Christmas. Each night, some Finnish elves fill the shoes with candy and other goodies. I like the Finnish elves. They're a generous lot.
• England: Stockings are hung by the chimney with care with hopes St. Nicholas doesn't just leave a lump of coal.
• South Africa: A little rotter named Danny ate all of Santa's cookies, the legend goes. Granny wasn't happy about this and killed Danny for being a greedy little punk. This is far worse than getting a lump of coal.
• United States: In many cities, the Running of the Santas, draws a large crowd of spectators as the Santas rush from pub to bar to tavern getting as drunk as they can on the free drinks provided by the owners of the establishments. Of course, they sell a lot of drinks to the folks who want to watch the Santas get smashed.

That's all the weird stuff I have for now. If I find more, I'll most certainly add it to the lists. In the meantime, consider books as the perfect gift for any friend or member of the family.

TALES OF A TEXAS BOY is just the right present for that hard-to-shop-for older relative. Kids like it, too, but the main character's Texas drawl might be a hard read. They would like you to read it to them OR get the audio book edition and let the talented Donnie Baarns do the narration honors.

• It's nostalgic
• It doesn't have any sex (well, there is that thing with the jackass)
• It's in LARGE PRINT
• It's funny
• It's poignant
• It has lots of animals
• It's a bargain in the books section

Buy it at Amazon for only $8.99 and make everybody happy. Now isn't that a better gift than cologne? Oh, you can also get the book for your Kindle, other ereader, or for your listening pleasure in audio format. Gotcha covered for Christmas.

Amazon Kindle Ebook $2.99
Large Print Paperback $8.99 at Amazon

Regular Print Paperback $6.99 at Amazon
Audio Book only $1.99

Little Eddie tells some almost true Tall Tales set in West Texas of the 1930s. Guess what's true and what Eddie fudged on. Was it about the bear? Cage McNatt's prize sow? The skunk in the cornpatch? Guaranteed for a chuckle and maybe a tear here and there.

Weird Christmas - Part 2

Continuing the Weird Christmas Traditions for your entertainment. See the First Part here.

• Estonia: The whole family hits the sauna on Christmas Eve.
• Wales: Someone is chosen to play Mari Lywd who walks through town with the skull of a horse on a stick. I'm baffled by this one.
• Iceland: I like this one. If an Icelander doesn't get new clothes before Christmas, the killer mountain Yule cat eats them. 
• Czech Republic: Desperate for marriage it seems. Czech ladies throw a shoe over one shoulder from the door way. The direction the shoe is pointed determines if they'll be married in the coming year.
• Estonia: The whole family hits the sauna on Christmas Eve.
• Wales: Someone is chosen to play Mari Lywd who walks through town with the skull of a horse on a stick. I'm baffled by this one.
• Iceland: I like this one. If an Icelander doesn't get new clothes before Christmas, the killer mountain Yule cat eats them. 
• Sweden: Authorities in the village of Gävle decided to install a straw goat statue in the town square. Every other year, somebody burns it down before Christmas. Both are fine traditions.
• Sweden (again): Rice pudding is standard fare for dessert. The Christmas special has an almond buried somewhere in it. The lucky person who finds it will supposedly get married within a year. I assume only single folks of marrying age have a go at the pudding.
• Great Britain: Speaking of puddings, tradition calls for each member of the household to stir the pudding in a clockwise direction while making a wish. I guess that's better than a lump of coal.
• Italy: A witch named Befana is the deliverer of presents to children (not that stodgy Santa). But the kids have to wait for the blessings of Befana until January 6th.
• Ethiopia: Christian Ethiopians celebrate Christmas on January 7th. Everybody wears white and the guys play ganna, a fast pace game of ... hockey?

More weird stuff coming here in the next couple of days.

TALES OF A TEXAS BOY is just the right present for that hard-to-shop-for older relative. Kids like it, too, but the main character's Texas drawl might be a hard read. They would like you to read it to them OR get the audio book edition and let the talented Donnie Baarns do the narration honors.

• It's nostalgic
• It doesn't have any sex (well, there is that thing with the jackass)
• It's in LARGE PRINT
• It's funny
• It's poignant
• It has lots of animals
• It's a bargain in the books section

Buy it at Amazon for only $8.99 and make everybody happy. Now isn't that a better gift than cologne? Oh, you can also get the book for your Kindle, other ereader, or for your listening pleasure in audio format. Gotcha covered for Christmas.

Amazon Kindle Ebook $2.99
Large Print Paperback $8.99 at Amazon

Regular Print Paperback $6.99 at Amazon
Audio Book only $1.99

Little Eddie tells some almost true Tall Tales set in West Texas of the 1930s. Guess what's true and what Eddie fudged on. Was it about the bear? Cage McNatt's prize sow? The skunk in the cornpatch? Guaranteed for a chuckle and maybe a tear here and there.

Weird Christmas - Part 1

Christmas, Noel, Jul. A pagan holiday preempted by Christian monks to make their story more palatable to the heathens. Well, Christmas is even weirder than that. Check out Christmas traditions around the world you might not know. Then, look at the bottom of this post to get the links to my book which is the absolutely most fantastically wonderful present you can buy for cheap. Trust me. Aunt Mabel will love it. So, on to the weird with this from Faux Channel. TALES OF A TEXAS BOY is just the right present for that hard-to-shop-for relative.

• South Africa: Sauteed caterpillar of the Emperor Moth is a Christmas treat.
• Austria: Krampus! See my previous post on the esteemed Christmas guy worse than the Grinch.
• Catalonia: The Nativity scenes includes a picture of a pooping man. Um. Along with the pooping guy, they have a pooping log. Now, I don't know about you, but I think Catalonia got too much bug spray sometime in the past.
• Norway: Brooms are hidden away so witches can't claim possession. What's a witch without a broom? Kelly Conway?
• Japan: The dine-out place of choice is KFC. Makes sense to me.
• Venezuela: The religious go to Mass on roller skates.
• Greenland: Their own version of a Turducken is a Mattak. That's raw whale skin served with blubber) or Kiviak: 500 Auk birds stuffed into a sealskin and fermented for 7 months. I think I'll skip Greenland's Christmas.
• Germany: They hide a pickle in the Christmas tree. The kid who finds it gets an extra gift.
• New Zealand: Not so weird, they use a Pohutukawa tree rather than the standard Douglas fir. They're actually kind of pretty with red flowers.
• Portugal: The Deceased are invited to dinner and have places set at the table for them. What the heck? They don't eat much.
• Germany: Kids leave a sneaker outside to be stuffed with candy. Bad kinder get a twig instead.
• Ukraine: Trees are decorated with an artificial spider and a bunch of spider web. Sounds like the Trump Whitehouse decor.
• Czech Republic: Desperate for marriage it seems. Czech ladies throw a shoe over one shoulder from the door way. The direction the shoe is pointed determines if they'll be married in the coming year.

More weird stuff coming here in the next couple of days.

Now, back to my book, which is much more important.

• It's nostalgic
• It doesn't have any sex (well, there is that thing with the jackass)
• It's in LARGE PRINT
• It's funny
• It's poignant
• It has lots of animals
• It's a bargain in the books section

Buy it at Amazon for only $8.99 and make everybody happy. Now isn't that a better gift than cologne? Oh, you can also get the book for your Kindle, other ereader, or for your listening pleasure in audio format. Gotcha covered for Christmas.

Amazon Kindle Ebook $2.99
Large Print Paperback $8.99 at Amazon

Regular Print Paperback $6.99 at Amazon
Audio Book only $1.99

Little Eddie tells some almost true Tall Tales set in West Texas of the 1930s. Guess what's true and what Eddie fudged on. Was it about the bear? Cage McNatt's prize sow? The skunk in the cornpatch? Guaranteed for a chuckle and maybe a tear here and there.

Kramping My Style

Of course, we all love Santa Claus (or Santa Claws from "Nightmare Before Christmas"), but leave us not forget the adorable Krampus. After all, without Krampus, bad children wouldn't just get coal in their stocking, but they'd also be kidnapped, thrown into a sack, and eaten by the lovely Krampus. The Grinch ain't got nothin' on Krampus.

Here's some stuff from Wikipedia:

In folklore, Krampus is a horned, anthropomorphic figure described as "half-goat, half-demon", who, during the Christmas season, punishes children who have misbehaved, in contrast with Saint Nicholas, who rewards the well-behaved with gifts.

Krampus is one of the companions of Saint Nicholas in several countries including Austria, Bavaria, Croatia, Czech Republic, Hungary, Slovenia, South Tyrol and parts of Northern Italy. The origin of the figure is unclear; some folklorists and anthropologists have postulated its pre-Christian origin.

In traditional parades and in such events as the Krampuslauf (English: Krampus run), young men dressed as Krampus participate; such events occur annually in most Alpine towns.

As evil as jolly Saint Krampus is, his role of getting naughty children to behave has worked wonders in the Slavic areas of Europe.

Now, if you don't have a child to traumatize for life with the story of Krampus, maybe you'd rather give a very nice present to an older person in your family (Grandma or Grandpa). TALES OF A TEXAS BOY is just the right present for that hard-to-shop-for relative.

• It's nostalgic
• It doesn't have any sex (well, there is that thing with the jackass)
• It's in LARGE PRINT
• It's funny
• It's poignant
• It has lots of animals
• It's a bargain in the books section

Buy it at Amazon for only $8.99 and make everybody happy. Now isn't that a better gift than cologne? Oh, you can also get the book for your Kindle, other ereader, or for your listening pleasure in audio format. Gotcha covered for Christmas.

Amazon Kindle Ebook $2.99
Large Print Paperback $8.99 at Amazon

Regular Print Paperback $6.99 at Amazon
Audio Book only $1.99

Little Eddie tells some almost true Tall Tales set in West Texas of the 1930s. Guess what's true and what Eddie fudged on. Was it about the bear? Cage McNatt's prize sow? The skunk in the cornpatch? Guaranteed for a chuckle and maybe a tear here and there.

Audio Books for Christmas (or Hannukah)

See all my audio books on audible.com 

Bad Spelling - Book 1 of Witches of Galdorheim

Listen to free snips on SoundCloud

Amazon Only $7.49 ($1.99 if you buy the ebook)

Audible Only $7.49 (or get it free if you sign up for free)

Midnight Oil - Book 2 of Witches of Galdorheim

Audible  Only $7.49 (or get it free if you sign up for free)

Amazon Audio Link  ($1.99 if you buy the ebook)

Slide show on YouTube

NEWEST: Scotch Broom - Book 3 of Witches of Galdorheim.

Audible Only $7.49 (or get it free if you sign up for free)

Amazon  ($1.99 if you buy the ebook)

Tales of a Texas Boy
Amazon ($1.99 if you buy the ebook)
Audible Only $1.99 **** BEST DEAL ****

Missing, Assumed Dead (KindleUnlimited Ebook)

Audible Only $7.49 (or get it free if you sign up for free)

Amazon Only $1.99

iTunes $14.95

Spellslinger on audio - Listen on SoundCloud Free!

Audible $1.99

Amazon $1.99 Ebook $.99

Slide show on YouTube

Christmas Gift Idea - A Little Downhome Nostalgia

Have an elderly or sight-impaired relative who could use a little Holiday Cheer? Consider this Large Print book as a gift.

Tales of a Texas Boy - Large Print  makes a really great Christmas present for those who are still spry, yet their danged glasses don't work as well as they should. My mom's like that. With her progressive lenses, the world in general is more or less clear, but the tiny spot left to the reading part of the lens is difficult for her to find.

The 18Pt type is eyesight-impaired friendly. I can even read it without my glasses.

The trim size (dimensions) is an easier-to-hold 9.7 x 7.4 x 0.3 inches with 138 pages. It's eligible for free shipping and handling from Amazon Prime.

The big news for Tales of a Texas Boy is that it's in audio book now. It's discounted to only $1.99 at Audible.com (also through Amazon). And, of course, the ebook is available through Amazon, Barnes & Noble, Kobo, Apple, and lots of other on-line stores in various ebook formats.

Here's the blurb for the book:

How do you handle a crazy jackass? Eddie knows. If you ask Eddie, he'll tell you pigs can fly and show you where to find real mammoth bones. Take his word for it when he tells you always to bet on the bear. These are things he learned while dreaming of becoming a cowboy in West Texas during the Depression. Through Eddie, the hero of "Tales of a Texas Boy," we find that growing up is less about maturity and more about roping your dreams. Hold on tight. It's a bumpy ride. A wonderful read for anyone who enjoys books like "Little House on the Prairie" or "Tom Sawyer." A great bit of nostalgia for seniors, too.

Here's a brief excerpt to give you an idea of what you might expect to find in "Tales of a Texas Boy." In this story, ten-year-old Eddie is left home with only his sister. Without Ma and Pa around, Eddie usually finds some way to get into mischief. This story is titled, "No Angel."

I noticed a flock of blackbirds lit on Ma's clothesline, so I went in and got the shotgun. I loaded it with smallshot and snuck around the side of the house so's not to scare the birds. I figured I could get the whole flock of birds if I shot straight down the clothesline from one end to the other.

I had to be real quiet, so's I thought I'd sneak up on 'em like I was a Comanche. I got down on my belly and rested the shotgun across my arms. The grass was high enough so I'd not be seen. I dug in my elbows and pulled myself real slow around the corner of the house. When I got to the lilac bush, I got up behind it and checked if the birds had a notion I was there. They just sat on the line and didn't even look my way, so I hunched over and ran lickety-split to the oak tree. From there, I was right at the end of the line and no more'n ten feet away.

I leaned around the tree trunk and eyed the line. Yep, I could see right down it. My hands aren't big enough to span both triggers, so I pulled them one at a time. I figured I'd shoot the first barrel and then real quick-like, fire off the second. That way, I'd get to hit the flock twice.

I eased the shotgun up to my shoulder and pulled back slow on the left-hand trigger. The first shot blasted off and knocked me back a few feet where I landed on my rear end real hard. I still held the shotgun in my hands, but I wasn't in any position to fire off the second barrel. When I sat up and looked to see how many birds I got, I was in for a shock. All that noise and not one feather to show for it. But Ma's clothesline...now that's a different story. The durn thing looked like a dead snake layin' there.

I knew right away Ma would not be pleased with this.

I got myself up and was wonderin' what to do next when I looked up and saw the blackbirds flyin' in a circle like they were waitin' for the clothesline to be put back up for 'em to light on.

Giving Tuesday

I hope people I know don't need a day telling them it's a good day to give. However, people get wrapped up in holiday plans and can think, "I'll be sure to do that soon."

Today's the reminder day: November 28th, 2017 is Giving Tuesday.

Join me and help @EnvDefenseFund raise $250K for climate action, habitat conservation, & more. All #GivingTuesday gifts are being matched $4-for-$1. 

ENVIRONMENTAL DEFENSE FUND

Happy Sports on TV Day

HAPPY SPORTS ON TV DAY!

Have a great Thanksgiving or a decent Thursday the 23rd if you're not in the US.

Also, Happy Birthday to my mom on her 94th birthday coming up on November 27th. 

Tribute to Turkeys Everywhere

My favorite Thanksgiving Greeting song. Have a nice Thanksgiving day and be kind to turkeys!