Tuesday, April 29, 2014

How I Got My Agent #4 - Golden Oldies Post

I wrote a series of essays dealing with my deep devotion to Rastafarianism. Bob Marley is a God, isn't he? Anyway, I got these pieces published in the Rastafarian Times ezine. True, they don't pay and to get published all you have to do is post your work, but still, published is published, hey mon.

I decided to make a book with my collected Rastafarian writing. I figured the publisher at Rastafarian Times would be really interested. Much to my delight, he was! Still, the deal he offered (a half-kilo in advance, with one ounce royalty on each copy sold) seemed a little light, so I decided to hit up an agent or two.

I worked up a proposal and shipped it off to a couple of agents who seemed cool. I figured including a doobie would give them an incentive to ask for more (I promised a baggie for a request of full). Well, it didn't take long for an agent to respond BEGGING for a full (plus a full ounce for him to read it). I shipped off the package, hoping that the drug dogs were on vacation or sniffing for crotch explosives. That seemed to work since the agent sent me a response in a couple of days:

"Hey man. I'm down with this, dude. Let's deal. LOL! I mean your book, like really! Hey, do you have any more of that good shit?"

I accepted his offer and I'm now well on the way to being published. But I don't really care. Dig it, mon? Don't bogart that joint and does anybody want pizza?

Saturday, April 26, 2014

How I Got My Igor...er, Agent #3 - Golden Oldies Post

An agent does everything for the writer. Submits the work to agents, analyzes contracts, takes care of royalty accounting, etc. To my thinking, that makes them an "Igor." You know, the invaluable assistant who does all the dirty work, leaving the genius free to think deep thoughts and, hopefully, write boffo books.


Given that Igors are always hunchbacked, skew-eyed, misshapen dwarves, then it's clear that the writer must go about creating their own. Why write senseless queries to the Igors who are already taken by some other genius writer?

So, how do you create an Igor?

First, find a fresh corpse. An old moldy one won't do. You should also avoid corpses who have been preserved with formaldehyde. Fact is, you can never get that smell out of them, even with industrial-strength Fabreze.

Most corpses are normal people, but you have to re-shape them into an Igor. This requires cutting off their legs, removing the thighbone, and reattaching the pelvis to the knees. If you'd like a symmetrical Igor, you can do the same with the arms. It's not necessary, and might be a liability if you need your Igor to get things for you off tall bookshelves.

Igors must have a hunchback. This can be done in several ways. You may want to find a source of bovine kidney fat to insert atop the shoulder blade. Just one side, now! The hunch must be asymmetrical.

Igors must lisp. This is a union rule, I believe. To create a lisp, the Igor must have cleft palate. To do this, find a willing plastic surgeon to help you out. Essentially, ask them to perform the opposite of the procedure that removes a cleft palate. They're experts with anatomy, so should have no problems performing the operation.

You can also have your plastic surgeon, displace the Igor's eyes, so that one is lower and smaller than the other.

Once you have all the physical modifications complete, you will, of course, need to put up a tall lightning rod and wait for a very stormy night. The lightning rod must be attached to a series of huge lights which will flash and spark when the lightning strikes. The "show" is important. The end of the wiring will be, naturally, attached to bolts in the Igor's neck. Hmm. You can eliminate the need for the bolts by attaching the alligator clamps directly to the Igor's genitals.

This process will bring your Igor to life, and you will be able to direct the creature to find your best deal in publishing.

Wednesday, April 23, 2014

How I Got My Agent #2 - Golden Oldies Post

So like I spent like hours like riting the first chapter of my epec novellle and I just like gnu it like was going to sell like a billion copies. So I like did one of those query thingies. I really dont get the reason for doing it. After all, agents will be beating each other off with bats to grab my like book and ask for like a million dollars advance. Not including like film rights.

So I sent out a mass e-mailing to like every agent on Query Tracker (like a shout out to Patrick!) starting like Dear Agent.

Since I like just gnu every agent would like want to rep me, I like attached my chapter to the email.

Like I got, would you believe it! OMG like 100 offers! Im stil sortng thru them to figger out witch agent Im going to go with. Maybe they can help me rite the rest of the book.

Sunday, April 20, 2014

Take 5

Check out my interview on the Apex site at: http://apexreviews.net/Take_5_-_Marva_Dasef.html

All about "Missing, Assumed Dead."


Prejudice, murder, insanity, suicide: Every small town has its secrets. 

When Kameron McBride receives notice she’s the last living relative of a missing man she’s never even heard of, the last thing she wants to do is head to some half-baked Oregon town to settle his affairs. But since she’s the only one available, she grudgingly agrees. 

En route, she runs afoul of a couple of hillbillies and their pickup in an accident that doesn’t seem...accidental. Especially when they keep showing up wherever she goes. Lucky for her, gorgeous Deputy Mitch Caldwell lends her a hand, among other things. Her suspicions increase when the probate Judge tries a little too hard to buy the dead man’s worthless property. 

Working on a hunch and trying to avoid the Judge’s henchmen, Kam probes deeper into the town’s secrets and finds almost no one she can trust. With Mitch’s help, she peels away the layers of prejudice, suicide, murder, and insanity. But someone in town doesn’t like her poking around, and when they show their intentions by shooting her through the police chief’s office window, the stakes are raised. Kam must find out what really happened to her dead relative before someone in this backward little town sends her to join him. 

And she thought Oregon was going to be boring.

How I Got My Agent #1 - Golden Oldies Post

The Guide to Literary Agents regularly has a "How I Got My Agent" post. Given that I don't have an agent, I've decided to fantasize the event based on those HIGMAs in the Guide. Yeah, like that happens.

Well, it was just a huge surprise. I was walking down the street, carrying my 1200-page manuscript as I usually do. I noticed that my shoelace wasn't tied, so I bent down to tie it. I laid my ms on the ground (I did have it carefully wrapped in paper I found that absolutely, positively reflects my theme of angel vampires finding hidden codes in the Vatican.

As I crouched there, unaware of the crowd around me, somebody tripped over me and fell flat on their face. Luckily, their face was firmly planted in my ms! How lucky is that!? Well, gosh oh gee, it was my dream agent. OMG, how could I have been so lucky!? Anyway, my dream agent's nose pushed aside the top layer of perfect-wrap-for-my-angel-vampire-hidden-code-in-Vatican ms. As her eyes crossed attempting to see just what she'd smacked into, she read my first sentence. OMG, she hopped up and immediately offered representation! How lucky is that!?

More coming later. Enjoy!

Friday, April 18, 2014

I'm Visiting Stuart (Tex the Witch Boy) West

Drop over to Stuart West's blog today to read the interview. Stuart is a great interviewer. None of this "what's your favorite snack" deal, but hard-hitting journalism designed to put the author on the spot and, um, try to be funny?

I've invited Stuart to visit me in the near future, so stay tuned to this blog.

* Stuart West is author of the Tex the Witch Boy series of YA contemporary, suburban paranormal novels.

A picture of azalea blooms because every post needs a picture.


Thursday, April 17, 2014

So, What Does It Take?

How about the ENTIRE series on Witches of Galdorheim on Kindle for only $6.99? Is that enough to make you pay attention? I'm not going to keep offering up these amazing deals forever, you know. That's three books plus a short story in one volume. Do I have to throw in my first born son (this being the Passover season and all)? Done! You can have both my first born and second born sons. Hey, I'll even throw in a couple of granddaughters. That may be a problem since they're independent women who could kick your butt. Of course, you have to round them up, hogtie them, and force them to do your will. Good luck with that! And none of them are illegally grazing on BLM land.




Tuesday, April 15, 2014

Free Short Story Sampler - Happy Tax Day

FREE TODAY! FISH STORY PLUS. If you're not getting a tax refund, you can at least get this three story sampler containing a whimsical fish tale, a mentalist who accidentally sees a real vision, and a meet up with a cryptozoid in a small town bar.


Even though Tax Day is only in the US, on every Amazon in the world since free is free all round the world. Time zones may affect when the book becomes free.




Monday, April 14, 2014

Scotland Hath Kelpies!

Best ever sculpture of kelpies for a Scottish arts event. A lighting test was carried out on the Kelpies in Falkirk, central Scotland, before they play a key role in a series of events beginning next week.
A night-time arts event, described as the international launch of the Kelpies, will take place at the equine sculptures on April 17 and 18.
Artist Andy Scott's 300-tonne, 30-metre sculptures of horses' heads will be "brought to life" with a light, sound and flame performance by a pyrotechnic company.


Excerpt from "Scotch Broom":

Two horses sloshed in the pool. Sunk up to their hocks in the water, they struck at each other with raised forelegs. Strangely, neither horse whinnied or screamed, but the sounds of their huffing breath made it clear they were both near exhaustion. One horse was sky blue, the other snow white. Kat looked harder and thought she saw...yes! A horn grew from the white horse’s forehead. A unicorn! A smile spread across her face before a scowl of concern quickly replaced it. Blood ran down the unicorn’s neck, splashing into the scummy, green pond water turning it a noxious brown.

The two creatures, their muscles rippling, hooves slinging the muck into the air, appeared to be matched in strength. Steamy breaths came out in blasts from the blue horse’s dilated nostrils. Kat lifted first one leg then the other out of the mire, only to have them sucked down again. Now up to her knees, she could hardly move at all. She’d lost one shoe somewhere along the way and would have to spell another up as soon as she figured out what to do about the battling beasts.

Kat reached out with her thoughts, trying to break into the mind of either the unicorn or the blue horse, but hit the same frustrating wall blocking her ability to read animal thoughts. Then, she heard something in her head.

Help me!” It was the unicorn pleading for aid. For a moment, Kat was puzzled. She had not been able to hear the thoughts of the other creatures in the Otherworld. She felt the sincerity in the plea and had to help the unicorn.

The edge of the pond had a raised bank, which kept the water from streaming across the bogs. Kat glanced around but couldn’t see anything to use as a weapon. Pulling her legs out of the muck, she climbed atop the small berm. When the battle moved her direction, she bent her knees and jumped as far as she could. Grabbing the long mane of the blue horse, she pulled herself forward and slung both arms around its powerful neck. At first, she thought she had him when his head ducked toward the water. Her grip didn’t last long.

The blue horse reared back on its hind legs, but Kat held on, her body whipping back and forth under the horse’s neck. When its forelegs came down hard, her hold slipped. Plunging toward the water, her stomach knotted, and she held her breath. But when her feet hit the bottom the water was not quite waist deep. She fell backward onto her rear end with her head just above the surface. Kat let out her breath in relief...until she looked up into a wide-opened mouth full of black teeth surrounded by a flash of blue. It lunged at her head. She tensed her shoulders and brought her arms to cover her face in a feeble attempt to protect herself.
The unicorn had jumped backward when Kat launched herself at the blue horse. Now it lunged forward with its head down, its spiral horn pointed at the breast of the blue horse. The blue reared, barely avoiding the unicorn’s attack.

Kat risked a glance while she struggled to stand. She saw Sianach, Cusith, and Cait Sidhe were all standing around the pond, looking on with interest, but doing nothing.

“Why don’t you help?” she screamed at them.

“Who would you have us help?” asked Sianach with a mild tone.

“Me,” Kat yelled.

Cusith jumped into the pond and slogged his way through the shallow water to her side. “Grab hold, and I’ll get you out.” Kat clutched his neck and pulled herself to her feet. Looking around, she saw that the two horses stood still at opposite sides of the pool, their heads down, sides heaving.

“What is this? I cannot believe you, you people! All I wanted was to take my Winter Abroad. But could it be that simple? No! Instead, I get a bunch of gladiator animals all intent on proving whose attitude is bigger! What is wrong with you...you...see! I don’t even know what to call you!” She waded ashore holding Cusith’s fur to keep herself upright.

Sianach laughed his bugling, grunting laugh. “Not an attitude comparison at all. These two are quite intent on killing each other.”

Kat looked over her shoulder but saw only the unicorn. The blue horse had disappeared. Scanning the land all around, she saw neither hide nor hair.

“Where did he go?”

“Into the pond’s depths,” said a sweet tenor voice behind her. Kat whipped around to find the unicorn standing behind her, his front legs on the berm. “If you could please step away so I can remove myself from his pitiful puddle.”

Kat moved. The unicorn rose out of the pond, stopped, and shook himself violently from ear tips to back fetlocks, spraying Kat with muddy water. The unicorn would have been pure white, despite the layer of mud and weeds. Kat took in the long beard, like a goat, and cloven hooves and decided this wasn’t a breed of horse at all.

She ducked to avoid too much of a soaking, and asked, “What kind of horse lives underwater?”


“He is a kelpie, a water creature. They are quite wild and very protective of their territory. I happened to stumble into his dubh lochan, and he attacked me. He wouldn’t let me out of the pool, so I had to defend myself.”


EPub Editions Now on Nook

The six revised ebooks are now available at B&N. I'm in the process of putting the books up on Kobo, which will also be EPUBs. At Kobo, I'll be able to make the books available for free every one in awhile. I'll let everybody know when. PDFs will also be available soon. Most likely, I'll use that format for giveaways, but directly from me. Here are the links at B&N:

The Witches of Galdorheim series. Follow the adventures of young witch, Katrina Galdorheim, as she learns to control her magical powers while battling evil in the form of an insane shaman, an evil forest elemental, and a has-been Scottish goddess.

Bad Spelling
Midnight Oil
Scotch Broom

Missing, Assumed Dead (also is available in audio book format). Kameron McBride is puzzled when she finds she's the sole heir of a poor Basque sheepherder. This mystery takes her to eastern Oregon where she runs into a lot of people who don't want her to find out just how the man went missing.







My middle-eastern mythology based stories. Fun with genies, flying horses, merfolk, vampires, and other fun stuff.

Setara's Genie: A girl, a genie, a few demons. What happens when a bored rich girl finds herself a genie? She finds adventure, excitement, and some very strange friends.

Faizah's Destiny:  The village magician has gone missing. His students search for him, but are caught up in a war between the forces of light and dark. The magician's best student, Faizah, is chosen by Anahita, the goddess of light, to lead the humans into battle on the side of good. Can a simple farm girl stave off Armageddon?

Saturday, April 12, 2014

All New Ebook Editions

Six of my books are now revised editions of books formally published through MuseItUp. I love the folks at MuseItUp, but when my contracts were expiring, I decided that I'd like to have control of the ebooks since I had already produced the print editions myself. Here's the new ebook lineup. Links to Amazon Kindle editions for now. I'm in the process of putting the books up on Nook and Kobo.

Missing, Assumed Dead (also is available in audio book format). Kameron McBride is puzzled when she finds she's the sole heir of a poor Basque sheepherder. This mystery takes her to eastern Oregon where she runs into a lot of people who don't want her to find out just how the man went missing.









The Witches of Galdorheim series. Follow the adventures of young witch, Katrina Galdorheim, as she learns to control her magical powers while battling evil in the form of an insane shaman, an evil forest elemental, and a has-been Scottish goddess.

Bad Spelling
Midnight Oil
Scotch Broom

My middle-eastern mythology based stories. Fun with genies, flying horses, merfolk, vampires, and other fun stuff.

Setara's Genie: A girl, a genie, a few demons. What happens when a bored rich girl finds herself a genie? She finds adventure, excitement, and some very strange friends.

Faizah's Destiny:  The village magician has gone missing. His students search for him, but are caught up in a war between the forces of light and dark. The magician's best student, Faizah, is chosen by Anahita, the goddess of light, to lead the humans into battle on the side of good. Can a simple farm girl stave off Armageddon?

Wednesday, April 09, 2014

Missing, Assumed Dead - Reduced Price on Kindle

In order to make the set of ebook, audio, and print look for like triplets, a new edition of Missing, Assumed Dead is now available on Kindle (only for now). While my intrepid publisher, MuseItUp, did wonderful work with this book, it's now time to move on with my own Kindle copy. Soon, the three editions will be grouped under one title. There are 11 nice reviews you can read on the Print and Audio editions.

In celebration of the triplets, I'll be selecting from the commenters for a free ebook or audio book.


Audio Book on Audible.com (Free if you signup with Audible)


The covers all look pretty much like this:


Monday, April 07, 2014

FINAL FREE DAY!


Free on Smashwords until April 7th. Use coupon code PN34E on checkout.


ULTIMATE DUTY - Sexy Space Opera
A military officer must choose between her sworn duty or her rebellious blood ties.

Remy Belieux, a woman born into a life of servitude on a repressive factory planet, is desperate for a different life. When she's accepted into the Space Service Academy, run by the organization that enslaves her planet, she discovers the truth behind generations of rebellion. Now, she must decide what to believe, where her ultimate duty lies, and fight for more than her life against impossible odds.

Sunday, April 06, 2014

Buy One-Get One Free Deal


Click this link for details:
https://museituppublishing.com/bookstore/index.php/our-authors/53-our-authors/authors-d/249-marva-dasef

My dear publisher is setting up BOGO for lots of books if purchased from the MuseItUp Bookstore. Yay! You can BOGO my Witches of Galdorheim books using code MARVADASEF (easy to remember). Here's the linky. Matter of fact, buy 4 and get 2 free. Okay, there are only three books, but remember you can buy quantities.

Select the books you want, then at the Checkout, enter MARVADASEF in the Code. One of the books will amazingly become zero! Retail price $5.50/book.

Click to buy any of the three books:



Thursday, April 03, 2014

Three Hours of Audio Down Home Humor

Tales of a Texas Boy AUDIO BOOK is still discounted by Amazon/Audible to $1.99. That's about as cheap as an audio book can get. Even short stories cost more. Try out Tales as your free book selection when you sign up for Audible monthly services. Or pay the modest $1.99 to try it out.

Buy TALES OF A TEXAS BOY at Audible.com (and somewhere on iTunes)

How do you handle a crazy jackass? Eddie knows. If you ask Eddie, he'll tell you pigs can fly and show you where to find real mammoth bones. Take his word for it when he tells you always to bet on the bear. These are things he learned while dreaming of becoming a cowboy in West Texas during the Depression. Through Eddie, the hero of "Tales of a Texas Boy," we find that growing up is less about maturity and more about roping your dreams. Hold on tight. It's a bumpy ride. A wonderful read for anyone who enjoys books like "Little House on the Prairie" or "Tom Sawyer." A great bit of nostalgia for seniors, too.

Ebooks also available at Amazon, Smashwords, Barnes and Noble, Kobo, Sony, and other on-line stores.

Print books available in both standard and large print editions at Amazon.

Tuesday, April 01, 2014

Two Freebies - NOT an April Fool Joke

Free on Smashwords - No coupon needed

SPELLSLINGER - A Witches of Galdorheim Tale
What does a teenage half-warlock, half-vampire do to have fun? Why build an old west town on a glacier in the Arctic. There he can play at being the good guy sheriff up against mean old Black Bart.

That things will go horribly wrong is a given. But how does Rune get into and out of the predicament?

This prequel story to the Witches of Galdorheim series gives the reader a chance to get to know the smart-aleck kid, Rune, before he got his magic down pat.




Free on Smashwords until April 7th. Use coupon code PN34E on checkout.

ULTIMATE DUTY - Sexy Space Opera
A military officer must choose between her sworn duty or her rebellious blood ties.

Remy Belieux, a woman born into a life of servitude on a repressive factory planet, is desperate for a different life. When she's accepted into the Space Service Academy, run by the organization that enslaves her planet, she discovers the truth behind generations of rebellion. Now, she must decide what to believe, where her ultimate duty lies, and fight for more than her life against impossible odds.