How I Got My Igor...er, Agent #3 - Golden Oldies Post

An agent does everything for the writer. Submits the work to agents, analyzes contracts, takes care of royalty accounting, etc. To my thinking, that makes them an "Igor." You know, the invaluable assistant who does all the dirty work, leaving the genius free to think deep thoughts and, hopefully, write boffo books.

Given that Igors are always hunchbacked, skew-eyed, misshapen dwarves, then it's clear that the writer must go about creating their own. Why write senseless queries to the Igors who are already taken by some other genius writer?

So, how do you create an Igor?

First, find a fresh corpse. An old moldy one won't do. You should also avoid corpses who have been preserved with formaldehyde. Fact is, you can never get that smell out of them, even with industrial-strength Fabreze.

Most corpses are normal people, but you have to re-shape them into an Igor. This requires cutting off their legs, removing the thighbone, and reattaching the pelvis to the knees. If you'd like a symmetrical Igor, you can do the same with the arms. It's not necessary, and might be a liability if you need your Igor to get things for you off tall bookshelves.

Igors must have a hunchback. This can be done in several ways. You may want to find a source of bovine kidney fat to insert atop the shoulder blade. Just one side, now! The hunch must be asymmetrical.

Igors must lisp. This is a union rule, I believe. To create a lisp, the Igor must have cleft palate. To do this, find a willing plastic surgeon to help you out. Essentially, ask them to perform the opposite of the procedure that removes a cleft palate. They're experts with anatomy, so should have no problems performing the operation.

You can also have your plastic surgeon, displace the Igor's eyes, so that one is lower and smaller than the other.

Once you have all the physical modifications complete, you will, of course, need to put up a tall lightning rod and wait for a very stormy night. The lightning rod must be attached to a series of huge lights which will flash and spark when the lightning strikes. The "show" is important. The end of the wiring will be, naturally, attached to bolts in the Igor's neck. Hmm. You can eliminate the need for the bolts by attaching the alligator clamps directly to the Igor's genitals.

This process will bring your Igor to life, and you will be able to direct the creature to find your best deal in publishing.